Horror Movie 101

Hi there and welcome to my blog!  I have been trying to think of a good way to start this thing off for a few weeks now and since it’s October (and I am a horror movie junkie) it seems appropriate to get things rolling with a list of things that you should never do if you find yourself in horror movie or a real life scenario of dealing with a psychopath (which hopefully will never happen but still...).  Over the course of my life I have seen hundreds (if not thousands) of horror movies.  My wife, Julie, has asked me many times what it is about horror movies that draws me to them and I can never really give her a logical answer.  The truth is that I just like them and I really can’t explain it.  Regardless, my lifetime of watching horror films gives me a pretty good basis to put this list together so here goes.

Things NOT to do:

1.     NEVER go and investigate a “weird or strange” noise!  YOU WILL DIE!!!  It’s that simple.  If you hear a strange noise you should go in the opposite direction.

2.     If you are driving out in the country and someone gives you directions for a shortcut you should: 1. Thank them graciously 2. Tell them that you are taking it 3. Drive on the main route!!!  Inevitably, if you take the shortcut you will go through the worst experiences imaginable and then you will be killed.

3.     An extension of #2: If you are in a foreign country and someone tries to convince you to go to “a special resort”, “an unbelievable unknown beach”, a “one of a kind tour” of some type of ancient ruin, or anything that your gut tells you is a bad idea you should decline and leave the country immediately.  Your “friends” that were trying to pressure into taking the “tour” will die and you will live.

4.     If you are driving around on a stormy night and you see a lone hitchhiker just keep on driving.  They are a murderer and they will kill you.

5.     Don’t do drugs, drink alcohol or have sex.  You will be punished for these sins either by torture then death or just a quick death in the middle of your sinful activity unexpectedly (causing serious and crippling emotional distress to others in the process).

6.     Never split up from your group.  If you leave the group you will die. 

7.     This seems like common sense but if you find some ancient artifact, a room of weird and creepy shit, puzzles that defy logic, or books sealed with barbwire and warnings written all over them, you should leave them alone and then exit the premises.  If you engage with any of these items you are likely to become the victim of demons and eaten/killed.

8.     If you are being stalked by a killer, don’t panic and start running through the woods.  The killer will walk patiently until they come upon you when you trip over a root and kill you.  We have all seen this happen and it just frustrates me to watch it.

9.     An extension of #8, if the killer is in the house then you should leave the house.  DO NOT RUN UPSTAIRS!!!  How stupid can you be!?  THINK PEOPLE! 

Things that you SHOULD do:

1.     If you think you have killed the monster/psychopath then you should just go ahead and keep shooting until the chamber is empty or decapitate them with whatever weapon you are using.  Being stingy with bullets or simply walking away always ends badly.  If your “friends” stop you from doing this then you should turn on them.  They clearly want to die.

2.     If you must go out into the middle of nowhere for your “relaxing getaway weekend”, do your minority friends a favor and leave them home.  Also, pack weapons.  Lots and lots of weapons.

3.     If you are a minority then you are fighting insurmountable odds of survival as most psychopaths and demons are apparently racist dicks.  Therefore, if you find yourself in a horror-movie type situation you should go ahead and make your peace with God, do drugs/drink alcohol, and have lots of sex because let’s face it, you are going to die anyway.