Hi
there and welcome to my blog! I have
been trying to think of a good way to start this thing off for a few weeks now
and since it’s October (and I am a horror movie junkie) it seems appropriate to
get things rolling with a list of things that you should never do if you find
yourself in horror movie or a real life scenario of dealing with a psychopath
(which hopefully will never happen but still...).
Over the course of my life I have seen hundreds (if not thousands) of
horror movies. My wife, Julie, has asked
me many times what it is about horror movies that draws me to them and I can never
really give her a logical answer. The
truth is that I just like them and I really can’t explain it. Regardless, my lifetime of watching horror
films gives me a pretty good basis to put this list together so here goes.
Things
NOT to do:
1.
NEVER go and investigate a “weird or strange”
noise! YOU WILL DIE!!! It’s that simple. If you hear a strange noise you should go in
the opposite direction.
2. If
you are driving out in the country and someone gives you directions for a
shortcut you should: 1. Thank them graciously 2. Tell them that you are taking
it 3. Drive on the main route!!!
Inevitably, if you take the shortcut you will go through the worst experiences
imaginable and then you will be killed.
3. An
extension of #2: If you are in a foreign country and someone tries to convince
you to go to “a special resort”, “an unbelievable unknown beach”, a “one of a
kind tour” of some type of ancient ruin, or anything that your gut tells you is
a bad idea you should decline and leave the country immediately. Your “friends” that were trying to pressure
into taking the “tour” will die and you will live.
4. If
you are driving around on a stormy night and you see a lone hitchhiker just
keep on driving. They are a murderer and
they will kill you.
5. Don’t
do drugs, drink alcohol or have sex. You
will be punished for these sins either by torture then death or just a quick
death in the middle of your sinful activity unexpectedly (causing serious and
crippling emotional distress to others in the process).
6. Never
split up from your group. If you leave
the group you will die.
7. This
seems like common sense but if you find some ancient artifact, a room of weird
and creepy shit, puzzles that defy logic, or books sealed with barbwire and
warnings written all over them, you should leave them alone and then exit the
premises. If you engage with any of
these items you are likely to become the victim of demons and eaten/killed.
8. If
you are being stalked by a killer, don’t panic and start running through the
woods. The killer will walk patiently until
they come upon you when you trip over a root and kill you. We have all seen this happen and it just
frustrates me to watch it.
9.
An extension of #8, if the killer is in the
house then you should leave the house.
DO NOT RUN UPSTAIRS!!! How stupid
can you be!? THINK PEOPLE!
Things
that you SHOULD do:
1.
If you think you have killed the
monster/psychopath then you should just go ahead and keep shooting until the
chamber is empty or decapitate them with whatever weapon you are using. Being stingy with bullets or simply walking
away always ends badly. If your
“friends” stop you from doing this then you should turn on them. They clearly want to die.
2. If
you must go out into the middle of nowhere for your “relaxing getaway weekend”,
do your minority friends a favor and leave them home. Also, pack weapons. Lots and lots of weapons.
3.
If you are a minority then you are fighting
insurmountable odds of survival as most psychopaths and demons are apparently racist dicks. Therefore, if you
find yourself in a horror-movie type situation you should go ahead and make
your peace with God, do drugs/drink alcohol, and have lots of sex because let’s
face it, you are going to die anyway.
