Concert Time Machine

Recently I have been thinking a lot about the possibility of time travel and what events I would attend if I had the opportunity.  It should come as no surprise that what always pops into my mind first is a list of concerts that I would do just about anything to go back and attend.  Here is a list of my top five time machine concert stops (and a few runner-ups):

1. The Grateful Dead at the Fillmore West, February 27-March 2, 1969:  The height of psychedelic Dead. In San Francisco. In 1969.  Jesus, what I would give.  This would be (without question) the first stop on my time machine tour.

2. Band of Gypsys at the Fillmore East, December 31, 1969-January 2, 1970:  Jimi Hendrix at his creative peak.  Seeing Hendrix perform the version of “Machine Gun” that ended up on the Band of Gypsys album is almost too much to even ponder.  The stuff dreams are made of.

3. The Grateful Dead at the Fillmore East, February 11-14, 1970:  This is strategic because not only is this a killer Dead run but it also had the original lineup of the Allman Brothers Band opening each show.  3 nights of the Dead and the ABB (with Duane Allman) would be about as good as it gets.  Duane and Gregg even sit in with the Dead on 2/11 for “Dark Star” and “Turn on Your Lovelight”.

4. Pink Floyd at the Fillmore West, April 29, 1970: This is one of the best known shows (for good reason) from the tour in support of the album Atom Heart Mother.  This is a killer show and definitely has some of the most psychedelic music Pink Floyd ever made (which is really saying something).

5. Led Zeppelin at San Diego Sports Arena, March 14, 1975:  Number 5 is a tough call as there are so many other shows that I could list.  However, this one, which was on the Physical Graffiti tour, has to be it.  I just don’t think I could pass up the opportunity to see Zeppelin on tour in support of one of my all time favorite albums.

Honorable mention:

The Allman Brothers Band at the Warehouse in New Orleans, March 20, 1971:  Guitar playing the likes of which the world will never see again.

The Rolling Stones at Madison Square Garden, July, 24-26, 1972: In support of Exile on Main Street. 

Cream at Winterland Ballroom, March 10, 1968:  This really doesn’t require an explanation.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience at Winterland Ballroom, October 10-12, 1968: Neither does this.

Neil Young & Crazy Horse at Fillmore East, March 6-7, 1970:  Good old Neil in the period where he was playing killer electric and acoustic sets.

Rush at the Forum, Montreal, March 27, 1981: In support of Moving Pictures.  Just killer stuff.

So who would you want to see if you go could back in time and catch anyone?  Inquiring minds want to know…

Lessons from Generation X: Addendum 1

In the wake of my last post I received messages and comments from several people mentioning albums that they thought should make the top 10 90s alternative albums.  It's been really interesting to hear what everyone is passionate about so I decided to post this addendum listing some the albums that have been suggested.

R.E.M. Automatic for the People: I actually had a few people suggest that this was a gaping hole in my list.  I agree that it's a great album and it easily could have been included.  I think that I overlooked it because I was really into both Document and Green which were both 80s albums.

Jeff Buckley Grace:  I completely agree that this is a pivotal album from the 90s.  Buckley's reading of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" alone makes this an essential listen.  I actually listen to this album all of the time so I can't believe I overlooked it.

Tool Undertow: This is an interesting album.  It's definitely on the heavier side of things and could probably be considered heavy metal by some but it is a good album and I do think it holds up over time.

Rage Against the Machine (self-titled): Rage is one of those polarizing bands that you either love or you don't.  I sort of fall in the middle of that range where I like there music but it's not something that I listened to a lot back in the 90s or now.  With that said, I do think that they were really pivotal in bringing a lot of social injustice and political issues to the public eye and for that alone I think they deserve praise.  I will also say that their sound is totally original in a time when a lot of bands followed the mold of "grunge".

Metallica Self-titled aka The Black Album: I think that this suggestion really underscores how varied the opinions are on what classifies as "alternative".  While I consider this to be heavy metal or hard rock I undoubtedly think that it is a brilliant album (one that I have listened to fairly consistently since it's release).

Gun N' Roses Use Your Illusion I: Again, I think this would fall into the straight hard rock/rock category but it (along with Use Your Illusion II) are fantastic albums.

Ace of Bass Happy Nation:  This album sucked and I can't believe it was mentioned :)

Savage Garden (self titled): So did this one

Thanks for your feedback everyone!  I appreciate you taking a look at my blog.

Lessons from Generation X

Continuing on the music theme I decided that for this blog I would list the 10 alternative albums that I consider to be essential listening.  I grew up in the 90s so I have limited this list to 90s alternative albums.  There are definitely others from the 80s (and 00s) that could have made the list but they weren’t considered.  Regardless, I think that if you were only to have these 10 albums your alternative collection would be pretty solid.  Also, new this blog I decided to build a spotify playlist containing some of my favorite tunes from each of these albums.  You can check that out here:  90s Alternative

 (make sure you have spotify open when you click the link) or just have a look at my public playlists on spotify.  Ok, here is my list (in no particular order):

Red Hot Chili Peppers Blood Sugar Sex Magik:  All killer, no filler.  That pretty much sums this one up.  This album is a masterpiece and like Radiohead’s OK Computer (see below) you hear something new in it every time you give it a listen.  This is by far the best album that the Chili Peppers ever recorded.  I once read a review that stated that they should have called it quits after this album…although that does seem a little extreme, it is true that their career could have been considered complete after this album.  I am not sure that I know of any other album that covers so much ground (funk, rock, acoustic ballads, etc.) in just over an hour.  I know, “Under the Bridge” was played to death on MTV but that tune is still fantastic when I go back and listen to it now. 

Nine Inch Nails The Downward Spiral:  I actually saw Nine Inch Nails on the ‘Self Destruct’ tour supporting this album and it was an incredible show.  Trent Reznor is truly a musical genius and the Downward Spiral is his masterwork.  Every song is a different mood and different musical landscape culminating in the beautiful and breathtakingly emotional “Hurt”.  I remember the performance of “Hurt” at that NIN show (which was 19 years ago last month…jeez I’m old) and it truly felt voyeuristic to watch Trent sing that tune. 

Nirvana Nevermind:  I just happened to be watching MTV (back when they still played music videos) when the world premier showing of the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video happened.  I sat there watching that video for the five minutes that it lasted and it blew my mind.  I had never heard anything like it and knew that music had changed forever.  Two days later I begged my grandparents to take me to the mall so that I could buy a copy of Nevermind and I have had it in my collection ever since.  You can say what you want about how played out some of these tunes became because of radio play but upon listening to it now it still sounds completely fresh. 

Alice in Chains Dirt:  The 90s was a decade full of really dark music and Alice in Chains is definitely not a sunshine and puppies kind of band.  Personally, I think that Dirt is probably their darkest (and best) album.  It’s clear from the lyrics of tunes like “Junkhead” that drugs had already begun to take a strong hold on Layne Staley’s life.   The drugs clearly have a huge impact on the mood of the album making much of it seem melancholic, detached and isolated.  Regardless, it is really a beautiful artistic endeavor and a fantastic album that I listened to almost non-stop for a year after it was first released. 

Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream:  I still remember the first time that I heard this album.  I was hanging out with a friend of mine that had moved to my hometown from Seattle and he put on a CD (which turned out to be Siamese Dream) and the opening drum role of “Cherub Rock” just drew me in.  I was floored that I had not previously heard their stuff (I had I just didn’t know it) and made him let me borrow the CD.  Siamese Dream (like many of the albums on this list) is truly a great album in that it covers so many different moods, themes, and styles of music.  All of that and it has also stood the test of time.

Jane’s Addiction Ritual de lo Habitual:  Released in August of 1990, this album barely makes the cutoff for 90s alternative but I’m glad that it does. This album covers more musical ground over the course of 51 minutes than most bands do in an entire career.  Hard rock, guitar based jams, funk, ethereal…they are all covered and they are all done perfectly.  It’s really too bad that ego led to the separation of this band while they were at a creative peak but if you have to go out then this is the way to go.

Beastie Boys Check Your Head:  Some would argue that the Beastie Boys aren’t alternative but they would be wrong.  I will admit that their first album would fall outside the realm but everything after that fits the bill.  Check Your Head is really the album that got me into the Beasties.  What I think sets this one apart from say Paul’s Boutique is that the Beasties moved back to playing their own instruments on this record (i.e. there are very few samples).  Not only do they play their own instruments but they play them really well.  They set up several grooves that are killer and this album also doesn’t lack in the catchy tune category (see “So What‘cha Want, “Pass the Mic”).

Soundgarden Superunknown:  I love Soundgarden.  Picking between Superunknown and Badmotorfinger was probably the hardest choice I had while putting this list together.  I have always loved Badmotorfinger (“Outshined” should be on anyone’s essential alternative tune list) but overall I think that Superunknown is a more cohesive album.  Some of these tunes were obviously played out (see “Black Hole Sun”) but that’s because they were really great.  It’s hard to find a better rock vocalist than Chris Cornell and he really brings it in spades on this album.   

Radiohead OK Computer:  OK Computer is hands down one of the best alternative albums of the 90s and as time progresses is likely to be considered one of the best albums of all time.  It is sheer effing brilliance.  I have probably listened to it in its entirety 1000+ times and I still hear new things in it with every listen.  There are really too many high points to list with this one so I will simply say that if you don’t own it then there is a hole in your life.

Pearl Jam Ten:  When I first heard the tune “Alive” I didn’t really appreciate it.  About 6 months later I was in the music store (Camelot Music for those of you Goldsboro, NC natives) looking for some new tunes and the guy working in the store (whose name escapes me) recommended that I check out this band Pearl Jam.  I remembered being ambivalent about that tune of theirs that I had previously heard but decided that it was only $10 and bought the CD.  What I heard when I got home was that these guys were the real deal.  Ten is a scorcher that just gets better as the album progresses. Also, I have to go on record that Mike McCready is perhaps the most underrated guitarist in rock.  That guy can flat out play a guitar and play it he does throughout this entire album.   

So there is my list.  Disagree with me? Think I left something out?  I would love to hear your top albums so leave me a comment.

School of Rock

Music is big around my house.  It is very rare that we don’t have something playing in the background.  Because of this my daughter, Emerson, who is 3.5 years old, has started to appreciate music and recognize specific artists.  As a result, I have been thinking about all of the musical artists/albums that I have loved over the course of my life (and also hope that she will appreciate).  I decided to put together a list of the 25 (or so) albums that I consider to be essential listening.  I have limited this list to albums from rock artists only (jazz, blues, alternative and indie all require their own lists).  I am sure that I am going to forget something and this list is definitely not for everyone but all of these albums have meant something to me.  So without further ado, here goes (in no particular order):

The Grateful Dead Live/Dead: I first saw the Grateful Dead when I was 13 and it changed my life.  To this day it remains one of the most important and formative experiences that I have ever had.  Live/Dead (recorded in January and February of 1969) is, in my opinion, the peak of psychedelic Grateful Dead.  This version of “Dark Star” is absolutely perfect and highlights Jerry Garcia at the height of his improvisational powers.  The Dead played other shows that were this good but never better. If I were trapped on an island and only allowed a single album it would be very difficult for me to not pick this one.  I would bet that I have listened to it (in its entirety) over 1000 times.

Other Essential Dead: Europe ’72, American Beauty, Two from the Vault, Blues for Allah, Wake of the Flood, Terrapin Station, the entire Dick’s Picks series.

Pink Floyd Meddle:  Pink Floyd is one of my favorite bands.  I love most of their stuff but Meddle has always been my favorite Pink Floyd album.  Released in 1971, this album is really at the transition between their insanely psychedelic stuff from the late 60s and the more commercially successful music from 1973 on.  “Echoes” remains one of my all time favorite tunes.   Although I am ranking Meddle as the most essential Pink Floyd album, I also want to mention Dark Side of the Moon.  I never understood the reverence for that album that everyone else seemed to have when I was in my teens.  However, now that I am in my 30s I completely appreciate the themes that the lyrics from that album put across.  You just can’t appreciate lyrics like “Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain/ You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today/ And then one day you find ten years have got behind you/ No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun” when you are 18 and immortal.  It also doesn’t hurt that David Gilmour plays blistering solo after blistering solo on that record.  In retrospect, I definitely consider Dark Side to be one of their best albums. 

Other Essential Pink Floyd: Wish You Were Here (!!!), Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Atom Heart Mother (for the select few that appreciate serious psychedelia), Animals 

The Jimi Hendrix Experience Axis: Bold as Love:  All of Hendrix’s releases are essential listening but Axis: Bold as Love is my personal favorite.  This album covers every theme from the surreal “Spanish Castle Magic” to individuality “If 6 was 9” and it does so with amazing instrumental work and stellar songwriting.  I would put the album closer, “Bold as Love”, in my list of the top 10 songs of all time.

Other Essential Jimi Hendrix Experience: Are you Experienced?, Electric Ladyland, Blues

The Allman Brothers Band At Fillmore East:  One of the best live albums ever recorded. This album definitively represents the peak of one of the most musically gifted bands that ever existed.  Duane Allman’s solo during “In Memory of Elizabeth Reed” is what Coltrane would have sounded like if he had played the guitar instead of the sax.  I probably spent the better part of my teens trying to learn the guitar solos from this album (and it was time well spent).  I would pretty much give up an appendage to go back in time and attend this run of shows.

Other Essential ABB: Eat a Peach, Idlewild South

The Rolling Stones Exile on Main Street:  The Stones clearly had a number of phenomenal albums but for my money Exile on Main Street is their best.  It’s a masterpiece from start to finish.  Ironically, other than “Tumbling Dice”, this album gets almost no radio time.  That’s absurd given that many of their best tunes (“Shine a Light”, “Torn and Frayed”, “Ventilator Blues”) come from this album.  

Other Essential Stones: Sticky Fingers, Beggar’s Banquet, Let it Bleed

Neil Young Everybody Knows this is Nowhere:  Neil’s best album which pretty much says it all.  This album could simply consist of “Down by the River” and “Cowgirl in the Sand” and still have made this list.  The fact that the rest of the album is also fantastic is just icing on the cake.

Other Essential Neil Albums: Harvest (this is definitely second only to Everybody Knows…), Zuma, Live at Massey Hall, Weld, Harvest Moon

Led Zeppelin Physical Graffiti:  You could argue that every Zeppelin album (except Coda) is essential listening but if forced to pick one then mine is Physical Graffiti.  Some of Zeppelin’s best known tunes (i.e. “Kashmir”, “Houses of the Holy”) are on this album but it’s the “lesser known” tunes  (“Ten Years Gone”, “Down by the Seaside”, “Bron-yr-Aur”, “In the Light”) that keep me coming back. I am pretty sure that I could listen to “Ten Years Gone” on repeat for two weeks straight and never get tired of it.  Jimmy Page’s guitar work on that tune is nothing short of brilliant.

Other Essential Zeppelin: Led Zeppelin I-IV

Bob Dylan Blonde on Blonde:  I am positive that just picking one Dylan album was the hardest decision to make when putting this list together.  He has so many albums that should be poured over in great detail that it’s nearly impossible to pick just one.  Blonde on Blonde has long been a favorite of mine but I could just have easily picked Highway 61 Revisited or The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan.

Other Essential Dylan: The Bootleg Series, Volume 4 and pretty much every album from 1963-1977

James Taylor Sweet Baby James:  I am a native North Carolinian so of course I love James Taylor.  I grew up listening to this album and still find myself going back to it again and again.  This is great music for just hanging out on a warm Summer night. It just doesn’t get much better than JT singing “There’s a song that they sing when they take to the highway/ A song that they sing when they take to the sea/ A song that they sing of their home in the sky/ Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep/ But singing works just fine for me”. 

Other Essential JT: Mud Slide Slim and the Blue Horizon

Simon and Garfunkel Bookends/Bridge Over Troubled Water:  I realize that there are two albums here but I honestly couldn’t pick one over the other and since this is my list I don’t have to.  It’s easy to understand why these guys called it quits after releasing Bridge Over Troubled Water as they would never have topped it.  “The Only Living Boy in New York” is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.

Other Essential S&G: Live 1969

Blind Faith (Self-Titled): Any essential music list that I generate has to have Eric Clapton on it.  Blind Faith, widely considered the first “super group”, formed in 1969 after the breakup of Cream. This album has it all: fantastic guitar riffs, jazzy guitar solos, fantastic drumming, killer vocals (courtesy of Steve Winwood), you name it.  Though they only released this single studio album they didn’t need to really follow it up with anything…they got it right the first time.

Other Essential Clapton:  Derek & the Dominos Live at Fillmore East (Clapton’s guitar work is unbelievable on this release), Derek & the Dominos Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs (impossible to go wrong with a Clapton and Duane Allman combo), Cream Wheels of Fire or Disraeli Gears

Traffic The Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys:  Traffic was an incredibly great band that always seems to be overlooked.  This is my favorite album of theirs simply because the title track is a masterpiece (not that their aren’t other killer tunes on the album, see “Light up or leave me alone”).  Steve Winwood plays some of the jazziest piano solos ever to appear on a rock album on “Low Spark” and that alone make this worth the listen.

Other Essential Traffic: John Barleycorn Must Die

The Doors (Self-titled):  This is definitely one of the best (if not the best) debut albums in rock.  Recorded in just under one week’s time it is quite simply a work of art.  “Break on Through”, “Light My Fire”, “Soul Kitchen”, “Alabama Song”, “Backdoor Man”, “The End”, just pick one at random, press play and prepare to have your mind blown.

Other Essential Doors: LA Woman, Morrison Hotel, Strange Days, Waiting for the Sun

Van Morrison Moondance:  This is the ultimate “hanging out on a lazy afternoon” album.  Van Morrison is one soulful guy and this album is just packed with amazing vocals and incredibly good songwriting. Every song on the album is flawless but for me the clear stand out is “Into the Mystic”.  That song is so good that it you can’t help but smile while listening to it. 

Other Essential Van: Astral Weeks

Rod Stewart Every Picture Tells a Story:  Of all of the albums on this least I can see people viewing this one as the most controversial.  Before Rod Stewart started covering show tunes he was pretty cool.  What I love about this album is how a lot of the tunes deal with growing up and the lessons that you learn as you get older.  The title track is about a young man that can’t wait to blow out of his small hometown and see the world only to find out that it isn’t all as romantic as he’s built it up to be in his head.  It has this great line “I firmly believed that I didn’t need anyone but me/I sincerely thought I was so complete/Look how wrong you can be”.  That line just nails how many people feel when young and “constrained” by their roots (not that I can relate to this at all but it’s what I’ve heard from others).  This album also has fantastic musicians (Ron Wood plays guitar on the whole album) and just great songs (“Maggie May”, “Mandolin Wind”) in general.

Jimi Hendrix Band of Gypsys:  The Band of Gypsys is a completely different incarnation than the Jimi Hendrix Experience and I am therefore counting them as two separate bands (which they are).  The music on this album was recorded at the Fillmore East on New Year’s Eve 1969/1970.  It was released as a throwaway album to fulfill a contractual obligation but you would never know it.  The band cooks from the second that the announcer finishes his intro until the last notes of “We Gotta Live Together”. In my opinion, “Machine Gun” has the single best electric guitar performance in the history of rock music and you will NEVER convince me otherwise.  I’m pretty sure that Hendrix wasn’t human.

Other Band of Gypsys Essentials: Jimi Hendrix Live at Woodstock

David Bowie Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars:  David Bowie is an artist’s artist.  He’s basically the Miles Davis of rock as he is constantly changing and never afraid to completely move to a new sound.  Ziggy Stardust stands as his shining achievement for both stage persona and musical prowess.  It’s a great album.

Other Essential Bowie: Hunky Dory, Santa Monica ’72 (“Waiting for the Man”!)

The Who Who’s Next:  The Who are one of those bands that just kill it.  Though there are a number of great Who albums, Who’s Next is definitely my favorite.  It has killer (and epic) rock tunes (“Won’t Get Fooled Again”, “Going Mobile”, “Bargain”), amazing ballads (“Behind Blue Eyes”), and some of the best synth use in rock history (“Baba O’Riley”).  You can put this one on during any mood and find something that fits.

Other Essential Who: Tommy, Quadrophenia, Live at Leeds

Phish A Live One:  If you are reading this blog then chances are that you already know that I am massive Phish enthusiast.  I’ve been seeing them live for almost 20 years and I never seem to get tired of seeing them (although I have gotten sick of the audience at times…).  A Live One, is a seriously great live album and contains (in my opinion) the definitive versions of several of their staples: “Slave to Traffic Light” (one of my all time favorite tunes), “You Enjoy Myself”, “Harry Hood”, “Stash”, and “The Squirming Coil”.  This album is so good that I have gone through 3 different copies and I still listen to it regularly.

Other Phish Essentials: Lawn Boy, Hoist, Hampton/Winston-Salem ’97

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young Déjà Vu:  This was the first studio album that CSN recorded with Neil Young and it is quite the debut.  Every song on it could be a lesson on how a song should be written, performed, and recorded for any aspiring musician in about 6 different genres (rock, singer/songwriter, pop, etc.).  Furthermore, this album probably has the best ensemble vocal work from any rock band in history.  It’s really a shame that ego got in the way of these four guys staying together in the long run as this album really shows that they could have done great things!  Wait a minute, they did do great things but on their own.

Other CSN(&Y) Essentials: Crosby, Stills and Nash and 4 Way Street

Black Sabbath Paranoid:  Black Sabbath is a truly iconic rock band.  They are probably surpassed only by Led Zeppelin in the number of killer guitar riffs in their songs.  If you have ever played an electric guitar then chances are that you learned several of their tunes.  When I was approximately 16 years old I listened to Paranoid on repeat for probably 4 months straight.  “Iron Man”, “Paranoid”, “War Pigs”, “Fairies Wear Boots”…it just doesn’t get any better than that.  Paranoid is absolutely the best heavy metal album that was released in the 70s.  I would say of all time but Metallica’s Master of Puppets and Ride the Lightning make it too close to call.

Other Black Sabbath Essentials: Black Sabbath (self titled)

Widespread Panic Light Fuse, Get Away:  I feel like any list of mine would be incomplete without Widespread Panic on it.  When I was in college I lived to go to WSP shows and had the good fortune to see a great many of them.  Light Fuse, Get Away is their first live album and really does a great job of capturing the energy that this lineup of the band was able to put out in the live setting. 

Other WSP Essentials: Space Wrangler, Everyday, Live in the Classic City

Elton John Honky Chateau:  Before he became a Disney cartoon soundtrack puppet, Elton John was pretty much one of the best musicians in the game.  Together with Bernie Taupin he wrote some truly wonderful songs.  I discovered Honky Chateau shortly after I turned 18 and I instantly fell in love with it.  “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” should be required listening for everyone.

Other Elton John Essentials:  Tumbleweed Connection

My Morning Jacket It Still Moves: About 10 years ago, a friend of mine dragged me a show at the Cat’s Cradle (in Carrboro, NC) to see a band that I had never heard of called My Morning Jacket.  There were approximately 50 people in attendance (at a venue that holds 800) but that didn’t stop the band from killing it.  They were completely into it and it really made an impression on me.  I have listened to MMJ every since and really love all of their albums.  It Still Moves is probably the album that I have listened to the most and I think it is probably their best overall (even though it got panned by critics).  It’s hard to argue with the genius of tunes like “Steam Engine”, “Golden”, and “One Big Holiday”.  It’s all good stuff.

Other MMJ Essentials:  At Dawn, Z, Okonokos, Evil Urges, Circuital 

Big Head Todd & the Monsters Sister Sweetly:  I’m putting this one on this list purely for selfish reasons because this was the album that I was listening to heavily when I first met my wife Julie (my sophomore year of college).  Because I was listening to Big Head Todd a lot during that period, Julie started to listen them and it kind of became our unofficial soundtrack.  Besides, Sister Sweetly is really a great album and criminally underappreciated by the general public.  

Okay, that's the end of the list.  Now go to listen to some music.

Horror Movie 101

Hi there and welcome to my blog!  I have been trying to think of a good way to start this thing off for a few weeks now and since it’s October (and I am a horror movie junkie) it seems appropriate to get things rolling with a list of things that you should never do if you find yourself in horror movie or a real life scenario of dealing with a psychopath (which hopefully will never happen but still...).  Over the course of my life I have seen hundreds (if not thousands) of horror movies.  My wife, Julie, has asked me many times what it is about horror movies that draws me to them and I can never really give her a logical answer.  The truth is that I just like them and I really can’t explain it.  Regardless, my lifetime of watching horror films gives me a pretty good basis to put this list together so here goes.

Things NOT to do:

1.     NEVER go and investigate a “weird or strange” noise!  YOU WILL DIE!!!  It’s that simple.  If you hear a strange noise you should go in the opposite direction.

2.     If you are driving out in the country and someone gives you directions for a shortcut you should: 1. Thank them graciously 2. Tell them that you are taking it 3. Drive on the main route!!!  Inevitably, if you take the shortcut you will go through the worst experiences imaginable and then you will be killed.

3.     An extension of #2: If you are in a foreign country and someone tries to convince you to go to “a special resort”, “an unbelievable unknown beach”, a “one of a kind tour” of some type of ancient ruin, or anything that your gut tells you is a bad idea you should decline and leave the country immediately.  Your “friends” that were trying to pressure into taking the “tour” will die and you will live.

4.     If you are driving around on a stormy night and you see a lone hitchhiker just keep on driving.  They are a murderer and they will kill you.

5.     Don’t do drugs, drink alcohol or have sex.  You will be punished for these sins either by torture then death or just a quick death in the middle of your sinful activity unexpectedly (causing serious and crippling emotional distress to others in the process).

6.     Never split up from your group.  If you leave the group you will die. 

7.     This seems like common sense but if you find some ancient artifact, a room of weird and creepy shit, puzzles that defy logic, or books sealed with barbwire and warnings written all over them, you should leave them alone and then exit the premises.  If you engage with any of these items you are likely to become the victim of demons and eaten/killed.

8.     If you are being stalked by a killer, don’t panic and start running through the woods.  The killer will walk patiently until they come upon you when you trip over a root and kill you.  We have all seen this happen and it just frustrates me to watch it.

9.     An extension of #8, if the killer is in the house then you should leave the house.  DO NOT RUN UPSTAIRS!!!  How stupid can you be!?  THINK PEOPLE! 

Things that you SHOULD do:

1.     If you think you have killed the monster/psychopath then you should just go ahead and keep shooting until the chamber is empty or decapitate them with whatever weapon you are using.  Being stingy with bullets or simply walking away always ends badly.  If your “friends” stop you from doing this then you should turn on them.  They clearly want to die.

2.     If you must go out into the middle of nowhere for your “relaxing getaway weekend”, do your minority friends a favor and leave them home.  Also, pack weapons.  Lots and lots of weapons.

3.     If you are a minority then you are fighting insurmountable odds of survival as most psychopaths and demons are apparently racist dicks.  Therefore, if you find yourself in a horror-movie type situation you should go ahead and make your peace with God, do drugs/drink alcohol, and have lots of sex because let’s face it, you are going to die anyway.